Tend to your own garden

After spending 3 years as an educator at a school, my contract was suddenly not renewed. On the last day of school I was sat down coldly and told this. With my Waldorf birthday crown on my head! This was at a school that I have been a parent at for 5 years. And an incredibly involved parent- PTA member, Room Parent, Gardening volunteer, volunteered at countless events and festivals. Hundreds of hours and hundreds of dollars invested in the school. And for those who are not local to our area I worked at a Waldorf inspired charter school. Waldorf philosophy derives from Rudolf Steiner who developed this educational model in the early 1900's. It is a holistic education, seasons are celebrated in festivals and children learn practical skills as well. I had the joy of teaching handwork, gardening and yoga. All my personal hobbies! My favorite was connecting personally with each kid. And I loved what I taught! I love seeing their eyes light up when they found out they could finger knit. Or see the look of accomplishment when they pushed through something challenging like sewing and created a masterpiece. It was very personal, having to teach each child individually sometimes guiding their hands in knitting or making knots. Often children with behavior challenges would take breaks in my room, flourishing at knitting or sewing quietly. Feeling accomplished at their task, and building their self esteem. My background has been 10 years in social work doing a range of things like advocating for kids aging out of foster care, training and recruiting foster parents, working with teen moms etc. After the birth of my first son it was challenging to balance both a career in advocacy and motherhood so I began to pursue becoming a certified childbirth educator through The Bradley Method of Childbirth so that I could stay at home with him. I was able to become certified and absolutely loved teaching birth classes to expecting parents. Talk about personal we talked about ALL the things related to childbirth, giving birth naturally, postpartum, breastfeeding. It was a magical world. We welcomed the birth of our second son Wilder at home. The common thread of my professional career was connection and building community. That's why I chose to work at my son's school. Now that community has been taken from me. I wasn't even able to have Wish You Well party which is an essential Waldorf tradition. It is reverent & meant to honor the person and legacy. Thankfully parents from the school organized one at a local park so we were able to have proper closure with tearful hugs and hopeful laughter. It truly was one of the hardest goodbyes I had ever experienced. Your students become your family and to have to say goodbye so suddenly felt more like a divorce than losing a job. A divorce where you don't get custody of the kids. Tears continue to run down my face as I sorted through old handwork and saw their names & special projects. It's grieving a loss. My home has been chaotic with all the items from my classroom strewn around, yarn, needles, thread peppering the floors. Meanwhile, since its the start of summer, my kids are around confused and saddened that their mom won't be their teacher anymore. Theres so many layers to this. I've yet to unpack it. Grief comes in waves. So I am attempting to gather up all the pieces while also nurturing a broken heart. My home is a disaster and my home garden had been neglected. I had hosted a Gardening Club after school and we were awarded a grant to make a native garden bed. We spent weeks digging, planting and watering this incredible garden at the school. Meanwhile my home garden was completely overgrown. It was a mixture of a pollinator paradise and a pumpkin patch. As I'm rounding the corner to weed it, I notice an 8 foot tall sunflower poking out of the foliage! Tears immediately sprang to my eyes and I heard from God, or my heart- "tend to your own garden." A friend told me sunflowers seem to thrive on neglect and I thought, "wow that's me. That's my home, my family that has been neglected." Working full time and parenting two special needs kids felt like I was running at an impossible speed. I had devoted so much of my time, energy, money, my soul to this job only have it taken away. But perhaps I was like the sunflower, who had grown so high that it peeked above the fence. Seemingly thriving, while neglecting my own self. My own garden. A garden needs tending just like children. So while my heart is broken, I am hopeful. The roots have run deep. 

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine — and shadows will fall behind you.”

— Walt Whitman